allow me to present the best of (a road trip and) melbourne...

Best Hypothetical Mutant Powers Imagined During The Trip

• The ability to ruche and un-ruche things. Not just fabric, but anything.
• The ability to move apostrophes.
• The ability to add or remove bones from living things.
• The ability to induce vomiting.
• The ability to cause hiccups. Hiccups that don't stop.

Best Purveyor Of Foodstuffs - (Groceries, meals or other)
Chan Kong Chinese Restaurant - Sheridan St, Gundagai.
This restaurant was staffed entirely by lovely country-social-club type ladies. Not a chinese person in sight. Very strange.

The most thrilling moment of the evening was discovering the Australian Dishes section of the menu. I challlenge you to find a Chinese restaurant in Sydney that serves Fish & Chips, Steak & Chips or Chicken Nuggets. From the brown floral tablecloths to the green and red floral crockery, hands down my favourite meal from the whole trip. The food was great and the service was beyond brilliant.

Worst Purveyor Of Foodstuffs - (Groceries, meals or other)
Unknown Patisserie in Wangaratta (a town which Munkey informs me is populated entirely by sociopathic serial killers). These twisted minions of satan had Vanilla Slices so pink that they were nearly red. I believe Australis would call the colour Coral Reef Red.

Driver Most Deserving Of A Kick In The Metaphorical Cunt
Grey Toyota Camry - Canberra numberplate YEH - 55C
This man (and his strangely immobile, mute and possibly dead wife) spent two hours in an attempt to break the world record for the number of times two cars can overtake eachother on one stretch of highway. He spent most of his time makin very odd gestures at Sami and I. Gestures that could most accurately be described as a combination of the Tetley Tea hand gesture (remember the ads - "Another cup of....?") and a gibbon having an epileptic fit.
Now, I know it must be very depressing to actually live in the ACT, but is that really the only fun thing to do with your weekend?

Strangest Experience Of The Week
A Tie -

• The man who looked at Sami and I walking down the street in Wangaratta with the rubber bouncing balls we had just purchased (neither of which were blue) and half-shouted, half-mumbled "BLUE BALL CUNT BALLS SHIT!"
  
• The kangaroo leg that I stumbled across (almost literally) sitting in the middle of the road in Gundagai. Yes. Just a leg.

Most Disappointing Moment
Holbrook...
Finding out the submarine in the middle of Holbrook isn't real. It's a scale model replica.
Boring.


Worst Tourist Attraction
The Dog On The Tuckerbox - Gundagai
Underwhelming.
It's a dog.
On a tuckerbox.
It's 20cm tall.
Is all.

Best Tourist Attraction
50 Years Of Australian Television - ACMI
They had E.C from Lift Off... in a glass case.
They had huge close up photos of Bert Newton's hairline.
They had a case full of Abigail paraphernalia.
Brilliant.


Favourite Moment Of The Trip Home
The Border Mail
Discovering that the bizarre dual community of Albury/Wodonga have their own newspaper.
You cannot buy The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age or the Canberra Times. Not even the Australian. Just the Border Mail.
The whole thing was a little too Adelaide for my liking.

Dumbest Grocery Item Ever
Only at Coles.
Only in Victoria.
If you don't know why this is stupid, and you're not South Australian... there's no hope for you.

Best Travel Companion In History
Sami
The most wonderful, brilliant and lovely travel companion a guy could wih for.
I think I can sum her up by what she summoned me into the bathroom for in the motel:

"Look at me. I'm much prettier wet. I should be wet more often. If I was constantly wet I'm sure I'd have a lover..."